I was going to start the biography of Hugo at the beginning,  when he was a 6 week old baby and the first day  i got him from Verity, a nurse I worked with at the now defunct swan district hospital. But I couldn't do it, so i will start with recent events, because he just passed away 3 months ago, his illness and passing over into spirit realm remains fresh. But the most important reason is that there is no real end or beginning,  time is not linear, it is circular and tangential. The beginning is the end and the end is the beginning. 

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Hugo was diagnosed with feline oral squamous cell cancer (FOSCC) on the 4th Nov, his biopsy results were back a few days later but the vet told me with almost certainty what he thought it was and i knew too that it is most likely that. However i was angry and indignant, I felt angry at the vet for telling me it was cancer and that the prognosis was poor and i could euthanize him and give painkillers. He didn't know that i do not support euthanasia and constantly being pressured by this society to euthanize animals triggers me. I am a practicing Buddhist and we do not believe in euthanasia for spiritual reasons. However i now realise he was merely doing his job. 

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The start of the nightmare was the friday before he was diagnosed. I had gone to the shops to buy some treats for Hugo and Phoebe, his 5 year old ginger sister.  Hugo was on the kitchen benchtop, i opened a bag of the crunchy play  treats and he of course accepted it with glee and happily crunched into it and to my horror, i saw blood trickling down the right side of his mouth and he continued crunching. I tried to stop him so that i could have a good look at it and i managed to catch a glimpse of that ugly life destroying, malignant mass. It's hideous irregular edges with white and red bits looked sinister and foreboding to my medical eye , even though i am not a vet. The mass that will rock my world, and take away my dear Hugo's life. He was only 15, in fact 14 plus at that time.  I wiped the blood off to small protests from him. He seemed fine, but i panicked a little so i rang his vets on a saturday evening, they reassured me and told me to bring him in on the following monday. A few moments later, he started drooling from his mouth, the reassurance i had earlier fell away. I knew something was not right. 

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The next 3 to 4 months would be the most heart wrenching and harrowing times i have ever remembered in my adult life. I now somewhat  understand the sea and storm of emotions that cancer sufferers and patients go through.  You start off with denial and despair laced with anger, then a glimmer and a rush of positivity and hope as you decide that the only way is to pick up your weapons to fight this ugly disease head on.  I set out to research and find every single treatment there is for Hugo's cancer, the best and most willing oncologist in town , Dr Jess Finlay, holistic vet treatments, even reiki sessions. I took Hugo to my Buddhist centre for regular prayers and pujas, hoping and praying for a miracle to extend his life and at least get a remission period. 

While Hugo and I were taken on an extremely rocky and stormy course of his illness for the next nearly 4 months before he passed away, our bond became even tighter and more intense in that time, perhaps as he needed me more than ever, and he probably knew that his time was coming up soon. 

In the last 3 months since he passsed, i have fervently and desperately tried to blow some life back into my zombie self and to ease the grief a little. I did ( and am still doing ) a lot of sound and vibrational healing, yin yoga, medication, Buddhist prayers and practices, outdoor walks and exercise, I recently returned from Phuket and while i did my usual fitness retreat, i tried something else i would never have done if Hugo hadn't passed away. I went for a 3 day emotional detox retreat and amongst the key words that my therapist taught me, one of them was to reframe the experience. 

Even though Hugo did not get to recover from his cancer, the miracle was in the deep bond and love we share til now. The gratitude and happiness of hugo choosing to spend his entire life with me, getting to see and send Hugo off as he left his physical body and being able to hold him as he did. I know deep down intuitively that he is around me in spirit and he will be back with me soon, as he indicated and my experiences will be documented in the next few pages....